Lord, Make Me Willing

I was recently asked some self-reflection questions that really had me reeling. The questions were somewhere along the lines of “what is the Lord changing in you and how are you trying to grow?” I spent many days full of swirling thoughts and pondering what in me is good and holy and on purpose, and what parts of me still need to be left behind.

Now… if you know me, you know that I am STUBBORN. It’s not a secret even in the slightest. But somewhere along the way, in a vulnerable moment, I admitted to myself that there are a lot of things in me and in my life that I have no desire to sacrifice, not even for God. There is a constant tension inside me, I want to surrender every tiny bit of myself to the Lord, but at the same time I want to do what I want and chase my own desires. These two things are constantly in opposition of each other and only one can prevail, and it’s obvious to me which one has to. These considerations reminded me of the story of the rich young ruler in Matthew 19.

…“Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth. Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.” When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?” Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible…”

I’ve heard this story many times, but something new stuck out to me this time. The disciple’s reaction to Jesus’ statement is interesting. To them, everyone was “rich” and since Jesus pretty much just said it was impossible for the rich to be saved, they were confused. In hindsight, I’m sure that not everyone was actually rich, at least not in the way we use the word. But the disciples were keenly aware of mankind’s dependence on possessions. As humans, our natural inclination is to do what’s best for us and what makes us happy. Maybe we don’t have a ton of money, but we all have our things that we’re not willing to put aside for the sake of anyone or anything. A lot of times, I don’t think we’re even aware of these things or at least not willing to admit them.

For me, comfort, control, and security seem to be the “riches” that I don’t want to give away. The race has really made me aware of how I depend on these things and how they show up in my life in many different forms. I’ve also been made aware of how badly I desire to depend on God fully and to live my life solely for Him. I want to sell all my possessions, give to the poor, have my treasure in Heaven, and follow Jesus. However, I can relate to the young man when he went away sad. It’s hard to let go of parts of ourselves we care about and it’s hard to give up the things that make us comfortable and happy. But the promise of what is to come when we surrender ourselves to God is so much sweeter than any riches.

…“Peter answered him, “We have left everything to follow you! What then will there be for us?” Jesus said to them, “Truly I tell you, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first…”

The young man missed this part of the conversation. He got too disheartened at the “give everything away” and left. He missed out on what he would gain if he did give everything away. As Christians, we must lose “everything” to gain EVERYTHING. Jesus is eager to grant us an inheritance that we can’t even imagine, but we have to be willing to leave everything else behind and trust that what Jesus has to offer is better. Make me willing Lord.

God wants all of me. I am stubborn to give away all of me.

This is where the grace of the Lord is meeting me. While I was struggling to discern what parts of me are on purpose, what parts of me need to go, and what “riches” I need to be willing to leave behind, one of my friends reminded me of the gift of refinement. The Lord burns away the impurities in us. The Lord burns away the things in us that aren’t of him and so beautifully makes the parts of us that will glorify Him shine. My friend said to me, “The Lord in His kindness allows circumstances that can refine those things [control, lack of trust, etc.] into discernment and deeper trust in Him.” This spoke so sweetly to me.

I know that I have way more “putting off the old self and putting on the new self” to do but I’m thankful for a kind reminder that faith is a long and slow process. Refinement takes time and a lot of chipping away at imperfections. By grace, persistence, and the power of the Holy Spirit I am being refined for the kingdom of God. I am being made new day by day. I am covered in a love so great and limitless. I am a child of God, of the God who is faithful to finish in me what He’s started.

Make me willing Lord.

Giving away my everything is impossible by myself, but with God it’s an easy day’s work. Refine me, Lord. Help me to give you a new everything each day until all of me is yours and there isn’t a thing in this world that I could ever treasure more than I do you.

Refinement and sanctification are messy, slow, and often painful. But the results are so fragrant.

I am willing Lord. Have your way in me.

You are loved.

xoxo Tay <3