To Just Be

Hi!

This is what the Lord is currently teaching me:

I’ve always been a pretty good student, athlete, employee, etc. and the reason for that is simple. It’s because, for the most part, I do what I’m told without much question. That’s an admirable thing and it oftentimes has made me a favorite, which gave me more incentive to keep doing it. Every boss, parent, coach, or teacher just wants people to do what they’re told. It makes everyone’s life easier. But a quote from the book I’m reading really stuck out to me when it comes to this topic; “An obsession with merely doing all God commands may be the very thing that rules out being the kind of person He calls us to be” (Dallas Willard, Hearing God). He says also, “In spite of the good in the attitude of those who think just in terms of doing what their supposed to do, it remains the attitude of an unprofitable servant. And it severely limits spiritual growth, unlike the possibilities of a life of free-hearted collaboration with Jesus and his friends in the kingdom of the heavens.” These words really kind of rattled me. I have always taken a lot of pride in the things that I do, and I’ve earned a lot of success and praise because of them, but somewhere along the way I think that it has taken a toll on my heart and my mind. Somewhere along the way, I started believing that I had to do well and perform in order to earn love and praise and that’s simply not true, and it’s also a sad way to live.

Earlier this week I had a really rough day, a very self-inflicted rough day. I woke up to ants invading our kitchen, a lot of logistical things for our team that needed to be taken care of, on top of an always long mental to-do list. (My mom always says that me and my dad have a hamster on its wheel in our brains that never stop running hahaha). I quickly sent myself into a stressed out, “doing” mode and it set the tone for the whole day. Not only did I fluster myself with little things that were nowhere near as big of a deal as they felt like in my head, I also affected everyone around me because I was in an anxious frenzy. I felt like a total brat and slightly insane all day. I ended the day exhausted, sad, and a bit ashamed. All I could think of was the story of Mary and Martha and I have never felt more like Martha in my life. It was that evening that I was reading and came across the quotes I mentioned earlier. They hit even closer to home then because the whole day had made me keenly aware that my whole life I’ve been a “do-er.” And I know without a doubt that there is good and honor in doing, but when you never stop to just be, you miss out on a whole lot of life and joy, and often cause others to also because they miss out on you and your presence. This got me thinking about all of my relationships and how often I miss out or lack because I’m too caught up in doing something. My mind never shuts off. According to it, there is always something to be done. Worrying and stressing about small things, that frankly don’t even matter, steals a lot from my life and I often miss out on the “better” that Mary understood and grasped onto. How am I supposed to be friends with Jesus if I can’t even be friends with people because I’m too distracted by a to-do list that will never be satisfied.

Doing things out of obligation instead of love will always leave you empty, angry, resentful, exhausted, and burnt out. I want to operate out of love and rest. I want to serve and do and work really hard because there is so much value in that, but I have to learn to let it come from a place of love, not striving to earn it. I want to learn to rest and just be with the Father and the people around me, and sometimes just leave the dishes in the sink. We make a lot of choices day in and day out and if we never choose a quiet moment alone pondering deep in thought, or a real conversation with a friend or a walk at sunset or a good book or moments of prayer and worship or a board game or just sitting and doing nothing at all, doing nothing that will get you ahead, then we’ve missed the beauty of life and a life without beauty, love, and rest is not worth living at all.

I’ve started pondering and processing why I am the way I am when it comes to doing and striving. I’m learning about which things I do that are good, and which ones are unhealthy and hurtful to myself and others. But what’s sweetest about it is that the overwhelming thing I feel God welcoming me into and reminding me, is to just be with Him. To just sit with Him. My favorite friends are the ones who are perfectly content to just hang out or do things together and not have to say a lot, but simply be with one another. The Lord is inviting me there. To just be with Him. He’s not asking me to do anything for Him, simply to spend time with Him. That is hard for me to do, especially when we’re talking about the God of the universe. Seems like a bit of a reach that we can just spend time together but relationship with each person is what the Lord’s heart longs for, it’s what Jesus died and rose for. I get really caught up in striving to be good enough, for people and for God. But the Lord has better than that for His kids. Be still, and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10), that is where the Lord is asking me to be. To love God and to be present with God means to be able to love people and be present with them.

This post is vulnerable for me because it deals with anxieties and struggles that have deep underlying roots, ones that I’m still trying to figure out and work through. This is something I’ve dealt with for a long time, often without even noticing. But I’m choosing to post it because I know I’m not the only one who gets caught trying to do things to earn love or worth and you deserve a reminder that you are loved way beyond your doing. God sent His Son to die on the cross for the sake of a world that could do nothing to save themselves. That’s a heavy love, and it’s a love for you. So, my encouragement today, especially if you’re stuck in a striving mentality, is to stop for a second and just be. Let yourself be reminded of love and of beauty and soak in it for a while.

Jesús te ama,

xoxo tay <3