I Am Trustworthy

Good morning friends : )

Ever since I committed to the World Race and I realized that this is actually happening, I have been praying really hard for the Lord to change me and prepare me for this coming year. I don’t want to look the same in January (when we leave) as I did in June (when I committed). These seven months in between I believe are so important and I have seen the Lord working on my heart and changing me in big and little ways. It has been really difficult and equally beautiful to see how He is shaping and refining me and I am hungry for more of it, more of Him.

In light of that, I wanted to share a story that is really special to me and illustrates some of the work the Lord is doing in me.

 

Trust is crucial for a relationship with anyone, not to mention God. Trust is also something I have always struggled with. This is ironic because I have always had more than a few people in my life who would come through for me, support me, and love me, no matter what. But just like everyone, I have had those few times or few people who have let me down, or made me feel small, or who I have seen the dark side of, and I came to a point where I was sure people were going to fail me and I was much better off handling things on my own. “What’s the point of bothering people with my issues” became a chronic case of independence, to the point where I not only choose not to trust people, but I’m not sure I even know how to. The truth of matter is people are going to mess up and hurt me and I will do the same in return because we’re all broken humans and sometimes we really suck lol. My real fault came from casting that independence and skepticism onto God. It’s hard to surrender and follow someone who you can’t (or don’t) trust. I’ve been working so hard to grow in relationship with Him, spending time in His Word and learning, and really really trying to grow in prayer. Prayer is hard for me and it’s been a grind to get comfy with it. But, just like anything, it grows and gets better with time and nurture and I am learning to be more at home when I am alone, on my knees, speaking out loud to my Father. Yet, I still struggle to hear or recognize any answers, which can quickly spiral into doubt for me.

I didn’t really realize that I didn’t trust God before this, but I was listening to a podcast and the girl was talking about a current struggle and a conversation she was having with a friend about it and that friend said to her, “you need to figure out who God is to you or you will never have peace. Ask Him to to reveal to you what He wants YOU to know about HIS character.” This really hit me, it felt like she was telling me that exact thing too. So later that day, I got alone and asked God exactly that question. What do you want me to know about your character right now? And in all honesty it was a prayer tossed up with little expectancy of an answer but it was a heartfelt question and I deeply desired to know. To my surprise, I immediately got the most simple and gentle response, “I am trustworthy.” I was stunned and there was no question that it was from the Lord. It was just what I needed. (Praise God!!!)

All of these thoughts I’ve shared so far came flooding in after this moment. I didn’t realize my extreme distrust for people and for God. I know the scriptures, “trust God with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, blessed are those who trust in the Lord, when I’m afraid I put my trust in you…” which all sound great, but I guess they were always empty words to me. Trustworthiness was never a characteristic that came to mind when I thought of God because it hardly registered in my vocabulary in the first place. It seems so simple but that is what He wanted me to know, to realize, to remember. That trusting in Him is far from just empty words on a page. That all the struggles and doubts that were burdening me stemmed from lack of faith, lack of trust. I CAN trust Him and lean not on my own understanding. I CAN put my trust in Him when I am afraid. I CAN have peace and be blessed when I trust. in. Him. I have truly begun to see the fruit of trusting in Him.

God does not operate on the same scale or agenda as we do. He is good and He is unchanging, meaning He’s not gonna switch up on us or fail us as were so prone to believe of Him. These words have been ringing in my ears now when any bit of doubt or struggle comes up, “I am trustworthy,” and that’s where I find peace. He grew me that day, and was faithful to show up when I needed Him to. I am more confident in Him and in turn myself because of it.

 

You are good Father and you are trustworthy. Thank you for being unwavering and kind to us. Thank you for being a rock and for teaching me to trust. Help us to lean into you more so that we can taste and see that you are good.

 

You are loved.

xoxo Tay <3