Training Camp ~ We’ve Only Just Begun

Hi friends!!!!

Whew.. where do I even begin? We are finally here, just days away from actually launching to the field. We have been in Gainesville, Georgia for the past couple of weeks being trained practically, physically, and spiritually. To me it feels like we have been here for months and also like I’ve just been in a dream this whole time. Camp has consisted of many sessions on topics like “what is truth,” the bigger picture of the Gospel, the heart of God, the Holy Spirit, identity, and more. I’ve been encouraged and challenged by all of our sessions. It’s consisted of sweet worship, fun games, and lots of new friendships. We’ve also had tons of reflection and discussion about what we’ve heard within our squad which have been some of my favorite times here. Our squad comes from diverse backgrounds spiritually so it has been really neat to hear all of our different views and beliefs and yet still be so unified and bonded already. Community is such a vital part of the race (and of the body of Christ) and it has been so sweet to connect and grow so close to this squad in such a short time. We have been able to have such honest and deep conversations which is so refreshing. And don’t even get me started on the number of times daily that we are literally on the floor crying because we’re laughing so hard, it is hilarious and so fun. I have so much love for each of these people already and knowing we are all here with the same mindset and mission is so cool. We have done plenty of team bonding these past couple weeks, from the most serious of moments to the silliest of them. Our leadership is also so fun, awesome, in love with Jesus, and passionate about helping us in our pursuit of God and spreading His name to the nations. It has been a sweet couple weeks of being poured into and prepared for the rest of this year. The excitement and anticipation to GO has only grown in all of us.

I had so many expectations for training camp while simultaneously having no idea what to expect. Honestly, I had heard many stories about training camp being such a life changing experience in itself so I came in with super high hopes. After week one I felt a little flat and discouraged because I hadn’t really had any life shattering moments with the Lord. I got caught up in comparison which I can fall into so easily without even noticing. I was searching for such a specific experience or encounter and taking for granted the truth and love being poured out all around me already. Not to mention the wildly encouraging community/squad that I have been placed in. I also realized some truths about myself that I’ve been avoiding for a while. There are walls that I have built up that are keeping me distanced from the Lord and things that I am going to have to surrender over the course of this year and most likely my entire lifetime. Truly beginning to surrender my life and learning to “work out my salvation with fear and trembling” (Philippians 2:12) has only just begun.

I want to share a little bit more about something I’m realizing and finally trying to stop avoiding about myself:

I have lived my whole life very comfortably, obvious I know. But I have literally always had every single thing I needed and/or wanted in abundance. I have had so much just handed to me. I have been taught to take, to consume, to get ahead. I mean that’s the society we live in. Don’t get me wrong, I have learned how to work really hard for what I want and to give generously as well, but the overwhelming message we are taught in this culture is to take everything you can get no matter what or who gets hurt. And if I’m honest, I have never truly had to depend on God . I didn’t need to, I had everything (a horrible misconception). Having “everything” seemed like the greatest blessing for most my life but now I’m starting to see the ramifications it’s had as well. Because now here I am, standing face to face with the Lord, knowing how desperately I want and need Him but also being so painfully aware of the sacrifice following Him requires and that I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to give myself away for someone else. I don’t know how to die to myself, all my desires, all my thoughts, all my will. All I’ve ever known and practiced is selfish and that’s a sucky realization to come to. And while everything I know is selfish, all that Christ requires of me is selfless, along with complete humility and dependence. How do I get there? How do I unlearn? How do I learn to give, surrender, and sacrifice? How do I take up my cross and follow Him and how do I willingly lose my life (Matthew 16:24-25)? I am tired of my old self. I am tired of being my own god and following my own ways or the ways of the world. I only want to play by the rules of my Father in Heaven, and that’s a big change…

One of the main reasons I wanted to go on the race was because I have known this truth about myself for awhile now and I wanted this to be a really big and definitive act of surrender to the Lord and I knew I had to get out of my comfort zone and out of the routine that kept me circling back to old habits. I knew I needed space and change in order to really go deeper with God and I still believe that was necessary for me and I’m more sure than ever that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. However, these past couple weeks I have been repeatedly faced with the reality that it doesn’t really matter how far I go, there will always be the temptation to find an easy way out, cut corners, or give into my flesh and old habits. Simply leaving is a start, but it’s not enough. It is going to take intentionality, hard work, self-discipline, and the daily dying to self on my end, partnered by the powerful work of the Holy Spirit and my willingness and openness to what the Lord wants to do in and through me in order for any deep or real change to truly begin. If you’ve ever been at this crossroads, you know that it’s kind of terrifying. To truly say no to everything you know and desire, to forsake your comfort and will for the sake of another is daunting, uncomfortable, and extremely hard. Yet, it is equally life giving and rewarding, it’s just a matter of jumping in and doing it that usually gets us, or at least me. So I think maybe training camp has been a marker for a new, big jump towards the Lord and towards surrender. I still don’t know what that will look like exactly but I have every expectation that this year will be wild and challenging and exciting and painful and full of life and full of growth. If there is one thing I have learned to appreciate in life, it’s the process of things and the process of faith is no different. I fall so short of the Lord and I have so much to learn about Him, about myself, and about how to be His child and how to love others but saying yes and being willing to go is where it all starts. He is worthy of everything even when I struggle to give it away. So here’s to a new chapter in my walk with the Lord that has only just begun.

Honestly, there is a lot still processing for me about these past couple weeks but this was my best attempt at putting words towards what’s been going on internally with me. Please pray for me and my squad as we get ready to head to the Dominican Republic on Monday for our first place of ministry. Pray for safe travels, open hands for us to receive and that the work we are doing will touch the people we are working with and that they will be open to Jesus because of it. Pray for our growth, that we would be sensitive and obedient to the voice of God, and that we would be devoted to Him, each other, and the people we are doing ministry with/for. Pray that we would have eyes to see others how God sees them and that our hearts would be broken for what breaks His. Please, please pray that! For me personally, please pray that I would be willing to lean into the Lord and what He is wanting to do in me and through me. Pray that I would learn what it means to surrender and bear fruit because of it.

I love each of you and I miss y’all. Thank you for your continued support and love! We’re really doing this thing now!!! I can’t wait for what’s coming and I’m excited to be able to share what’s going on again soon.

You are loved.

xoxo Tay <3